Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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