Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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