I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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