Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
