Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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