Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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