Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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