apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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