you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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