Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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