I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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