goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
