I want to make a zoo with you.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
