i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
