Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
