He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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