I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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