stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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