I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Randomize
