I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
