At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
