i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
