I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
