i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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