He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
