Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
