Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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