If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize