she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
