My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize