Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
