I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
