Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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