i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
