Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize