Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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