So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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