She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Drake has all the answers
Randomize
