Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
