Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
