There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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