Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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