My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
