I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
