never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
