I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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