i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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