i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
