he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
