oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize