I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
