Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
