My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize