it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
