Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
