i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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