she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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